brave hearts in 09

I realized today what I guess I must have known:

I have grown a lot this year.

Looking at some of my emails from this time last year, I can see that I have grown leaps and bounds professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Some of us are slower than others (and I'm the slowest I know), but I'll get there. By His grace, I will get there.

If you like fun, danceable electronic indie pop AT ALL (along the lines of Mates of State?), you should really get the new Seedy Seeds album.

I can't. Stop. Listening.

I've been reading a lot of Elisabeth Elliot lately and realizing how brilliant she is.

Here are some passages I have found exceedingly helpful as of late (from Keep a Quiet Heart):

"Winter comes, and the vine is cut back to the very stem (I had not know, as John and Jesus and Basil knew, how terrible drastic is the pruning process), 'despoiled, disfigured, left a leafless stock, alone through all the dark days that shall come.'

While the vine undergoes this death, the wine it has produced is gladdening the heart of man. Have you, perhaps, like the vine, given happiness to others, yet found yourself seemingly forsaken? Has it made you bitter?...

"Jesus' word 'remain' or 'abide' (in Him, in His love), repeated ten times in John 15, means being at home with Him, living constantly in His presence and in harmony with His will. It does not at all mean unmitigated suffering (the vine isn't cut back every day!). For those of us who are not at the moment in pain, may we not let slip any cross Jesus may present to us, any little way of letting go of ourselves, any smallest task to do with gladness and humility, and disappointment accepted with grace and silence. These are His appointments. If we miss them here, we'll not find them again in this world or in any other."

.......

"Is anything offered to Christ ever wasted?"

.......

"If resurrection is a fact--and there would be no Easter if it were not--then there is no situation so hopeless, no horizon so black, that God cannot there 'find His glory.' The truth is that without those ruined hopes, without that death, without the suffering that He called inevitable, the glory itself would be impossible. Why the universe is so arranged we must leave to the One who arranged it, but that it is so we are bound to believe.

And when we find ourselves most hopeless, the road most taxing, we may also find that is then that the Risen Christ catches up to us on the way, better than our dreams, beyond all our hopes. For it is He--not His gifts, not His power, not what He can do for us, but He Himself--who comes and makes Himself known to us. And this is the one pure joy for those who sorrow."

Here's the question: Do you feel more loved by God when he makes much of you, or when he bears the pain it takes to enable you to enjoy making much of him forever? My generation has told you in a thousand ways--inside and outside the church--that being loved means being made much of.

Some of you can't even conceive or feel any other way of being loved. You have sought this all your life. And now I am telling you: if you find it, it won't be love. At this moment I am speaking a foreign language to you unless the Holy Spirit wakens you to a new reality. And that new reality is this: You were made to feast on the holiness of God. Psalm 65:4, "We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple!"

You were created to be satisfied with the absolute uniqueness of God's moral perfection. You exist to treasure with joy the infinite value of God above all other things. Philippians 3:8 says, "I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."

And who is this Christ? He is "The Holy One of God" (Mark 1:24). He is the holiness of God made accessible. He is the perfection of God made visible. He is the infinite value of God made knowable. "If you have seen me you have seen the Father" (John 14:9). "We beheld his glory--the radiance of divine holiness--glory as of the only begotten of the Father" (see John 1:14). "In him dwells all the fullness of deity bodily" (Colossians 2:9).

"Whoever receives me receives him who sent me" (Luke 9:48). You were made to feast on the holiness of God. Jesus is the Holy One of God. Therefore you were made to feast on Christ. To be satisfied with him. To treasure his infinite value. To enjoy making much of him all your days. Here is your fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. Not in being made much of, but in making much of him.

Therefore what is the love of God? It is the preservation and the exaltation of his own holiness for your enjoyment forever. And what is it then to be loved by this God? It is not to be made much of, but to be given the ability, by the death and resurrection of Jesus, to enjoy making much of him forever.

God loves me when he helps me be satisfied in God and not in me. God loves me when he helps me forget about me and be thrilled with Christ. God loves me when he dies in my place that I might know him and be satisfied with all that he is for me in Jesus. God loves me when he makes me passionate for his holiness.

God's love for me is holy love. Therefore it exalts the infinite worth of God. It is radically God-centered. Don't make the mistake we made. Don't put yourself at the center of the Gospel. Put God at the center and make his holiness your passion."

--John Piper

There is so much change in my life right now. I know it will ultimately end up being good for me, but I just really hate it.

I felt my first (small) earthquake this morning at 5:45! The shaking woke me up and for a few moments I thought the house was falling down. Hehe.

HAHAHA.

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. In love, you express your emotions through actions. Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well! At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

I'm going to Muncie this weekend to visit Carolyn, and I'm SO EXCITED.

Do not quench the Spirit;
do not despise prophetic utterances.
But examine everything carefully;
hold fast to that which is good;
abstain from every form of evil.
1 Thessalonians 5:19-22

Thanks to all who left comments on my previous blog.

I did attend the Call on Saturday. I was only there for three of the 12 hours, so I'm not sure I have a completely accurate picture, but I think I got a decent glimpse of the rhythm of that day.

I attended with my friend Eric, a fellow "open skeptic." When we walked into the arena about an hour into the gathering, it was actually much more soothing than I expected. People were on their knees singing, with not a lot of other noise to distract. It was a nice time to join in.

Shortly after, after a couple more worship songs, things got a bit more intense. As expected, there was a lot of passionate yelling, which actually made it extremely difficult to hear what was being said. In addition, the band continued to play LOUDLY in the background, which also made it difficult to pray.

We were encouraged to grab people and confess our sins. Not really down with this intensity yet, Eric and I sat and read our Bibles. In a spirit of trying to participate in prayer and confession, I read a few passages aloud and really tried to center myself. We then sang "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross," which I very much enjoyed.

However, at this point I began to feel concerned that there was very little Scripture being used in worship--it seemed like it would have been especially timely during absolution. I heard a few mentions of Joel 2, and a few other verses being quoted, but in the three hours I was there I didn't see a Bible opened or a verse on the screen.

It was also at this point that I began to experience a deep sense of loneliness. I couldn't feel the Spirit of God, which I expected to be so strong. I couldn't tell whether it was my hesitations that were making it difficult to engage or whether it was the event itself. As we moved into deeper intercession for various topics, I felt more divided from the Body of Christ than I've ever felt; it seemed as though everyone else was sharing something intimate and intense that I was being left out of. I also felt threatened--and I know the Holy Spirit is not normally threatening. I began to feel deep sadness, and began to pray for the Church, this movement, and the people there.

Many things being brought before the group were things I don't really believe in: "a divine spirit of revelation," etc. Though it was never really talked about, the things being yelled by Lou Engle very much led me to believe that this movement is at least *influenced* by Latter Rain theology.

Going into my issues with the Latter Rain movement would require another post. Here's a quick summary from apologeticsindex.org:

We can sum up the Latter Rain or Dominion teaching this way:
--the Church must be restored and equipped to rule by the five-fold ministries [apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers].
--it must come to perfection and complete visible UNITY.
--out of the purified church will come a spiritual elite corps, a Corporate Christ who possess the
Spirit without measure
--they will purge the earth of all wickedness and rebellion
--they will judge the apostate Church
--they will redeem all creation, and restore the earth
--they will eventually overcome death itself in a counterfeit of the Rapture
--the Church will thus inherit the earth, and rule over it from the Throne of Christ.
Tricia Tillin, 1997, "The New Thing"

The intensity of the gathering continued to increase, though rather than praying with groups I continued to pray alone (until a guy grabbed me who was speaking in tongues--which wasn't really alarming, though I admit I doubted his authenticity). I started to shut down emotionally during this time and my introvert level went WAY UP. The format became really distracting for me: a couple worship songs, intercession, testimonies... it was constantly changing. I could really have gone for an hour of teaching, an hour of prayer, and an hour of solid worship. No luck! Maybe it's just my learning style.

I did appreciate some of the testimonies that were shared, particularly one about slavery. One man had brought a cooking pot his forefathers used to pray into on their faces at night so they would not be heard and beaten. Their prayers for their grandchildren to be free were realized and the pot has been passed down from generation to generation as a symbol and reminder. The speaker brought the pot on stage to remind us that there's a bowl in heaven collecting our prayers.

As we delved more deeply into intercession on the topics of race, pornography, and sexual abuse, I started to shut down. I knew abortion would come next and remembering all the Rock for Life videos I've seen, I knew I had to get out. I don't need to be convinced of that evil to pray for its end. I heard later that adoption was majorly emphasized and a lot of neat stories were shared by adopted children and adoptive parents. I also learned that there was more worship at the end of the gathering, which would have been nice to participate in.

I left the gathering feeling educated, confused, and spent. I literally had to crawl into bed under the covers and pray for a half hour just to recover! I saw enough to feel concerned about this movement--especially about the kids who follow it around. These leaders people believe worship is our highest call--which I agree with--but there are so many ways to worship, and some of those ways include solitude, quietness, and service. I do believe we're supposed to bring heaven to earth now, but if we're consumed with trying to worship like we're in heaven already and neglecting the Great Commission and *getting* people there (yes, I'm still an evangelical), it seems we're missing the point.

All in all: I'm sure many people were there simply to worship, or as my roommate admitted, to "get a God fix." I'm sure they got something out of it (especially extroverts, who get charged off these gatherings). It's hard for me to believe that any prayer is bad, and it's difficult to criticize people who are fasting. I think I secretly hoped for something life-altering to happen to me, but I was probably too defensive to hear whatever God was trying to say or just couldn't hear and respond in that kind of environment. I do think there are elements of this campaign that are dangerous, but that goes for the other organizations associated with it too. That's a shame, because I really appreciate that these people are creating a place for people to pray and worship for extended periods of time. I do hope to visit an IHOP in the near future, as I'm sure that will be a lot more chilled out. In the meantime, this has been a good reminder to pray and has sparked plenty of good discussion among my household and friends regarding the Holy Spirit!

I few weeks ago, I received an invitation to an event that would involve worship, fasting, and prayer for my city and the nation--The Call. Despite my trepidation about the leadership of IHOP, my theological differences with the Kansas City folks, and my cautiousness about allowing emotional group gatherings to create a false "spiritual high" in me, I was interested in going. I know that anytime God's people gather, His Spirit will be there, and setting aside a day to listen with others for His voice seemed like a pretty great way to spend a Saturday.

However, this past week, I received an email I find to be extremely disconcerting. Here is an abbreviated version:

On January 12, TheCall is going to an historic piece of real estate that was the gap between God and slavery--Cincinnati, Ohio. A slave who made it across the Ohio River sent a message back to his family who lived in slavery in the South: "Tell them if they can only get to Cincinnati, they can get liberty."

Cincinnati was where the Underground Railroad brought them to safety. Cincinnati was the place where a new breed of abolition preachers fanned through the nation shaking the ideologies of slavery. Cincinnati is where the slave trade of pornography was completely banned for 20 years just in recent history. Cincinnati is the place where the right-to-life movement began in America. And Cincinnati is where a profound adoption movement is being raised up to care for every unwanted child and every unborn child.

The true heir to the civil rights movement is not homosexual liberties, but freedom for the unborn and the pregnant mother, and the Underground Railroad for the great injustice of abortion is adoption.

We are releasing a sudden summons to everyone within a day's drive, even to the whole nation, to TheCall Ohio on January 12: "If you can get to Cincinnati, the nation may find liberty. If you can get to Cincinnati, the pornography addict may find liberty. If you can get to Cincinnati, the unborn may find liberty."

It's Joel 2! When there is no hope for a nation, when there is no remedy, God still has a holy prescription: Blow the trumpet, gather the people, and call a fast. We must humble ourselves because we have offended heaven.

Isaiah 1 says that God hates our prayer gatherings, for our hands are filled with blood, and we don't take care of the widow and the orphan. We have not demonstrated the compassionate heart of God to a desperate world. Let us gather and repent for the church of the nation in Cincinnati and become His hands of mercy to the poor and afflicted! We must ask God to raise up crisis pregnancy centers, pregnant mothers' homes and a movement of adoption to explode across the nation.

Ohio will be ground zero once again for the elections in 2008. We will gather and cry out to God for mercy that we do not deserve. God, give us a humble man that will lead this nation in compassion and humility out of abortion and into the favor of heaven!

Oh, America, we are in a crisis! If 600,000 men died in the battlefields of the Civil War--both north and south, black and white--for the shed blood of the slaves, then what will it mean to America--black and white and north and south--if God brings a day of reckoning for the shed blood of 50 million babies? This is not a Democrat and Republican issue; this is a day of survival for a nation. Hear the trumpet alarm!

Let a cry for mercy arise in Ohio. Let us stand in this little piece of real estate and plead a better blood. Let us release a new abolition movement--a generation of new preachers, movie writers, and musicians--to assail this covenant with death. And may a new Underground Railroad spring up from the hearts of the church, crying, "Give us your babies!"

I believe TheCall Ohio could be a defining moment for America.

“I looked for a man to stand in the gap.”

Since when do God's actions so drastically depend on people gathering in a specific location for fasting and prayer? Possibly not since the Old Testament. I believe that God cares for our cities and nations, but I don't believe His actions are so limited that He is waiting us to pray for Him to "loose" His purposes on the earth. And regarding "offending heaven," do we not already have a Mediator standing in the gap for us?

Watching a video of The Call in Nashville was equally disturbing. A cacophony of prayers were being yelled by random people in the audience, even into the main microphone, and there was plenty of mention of the "latter rain" and Joel 2. I really don't understand how this movement has become so mainstream.

What about the rest of us?

Since when has the Holy Spirit's ministry been so drastically underestimated?

Why are so many of us being made to feel we are going to MISS what God is doing if we don't participate in global prayer movements?

And why is the Holy Spirit being bound by our willingness or unwillingness to pray? Why is He seen as limited to specific movements and people? Why do I get the feeling that if I choose not to participate in The Call, an attendant might assume that I am not open to the ministry of the Holy Spirit?

My initial impression is that basing a prayer movement on Israel is misapplying Scripture, and placing an inappropriate emphasis on the Old Testament. I wonder what other scripture I will hear--will I hear merely about Elijah, or will we talk about Jesus? Will Jesus's name will be merely be used in our prayers or will He truly be meditated upon?

I truly don't want to quench the Holy Spirit and I also don't want to make assumptions (after all, I'm a piece of dirt with a lot to learn). That's why I am going to try to attend tomorrow despite my reservations and even my fearful heart (I'm not very political, and as an introvert, joining thousands of people in a stadium to hear lots of yelling and unorganized worship is about the most distracting and terrifying thing I can imagine. Think how beautiful a quiet stadium would be, filled with people contemplating the beauty of His holiness!).

I know God will be there, and I'm quite sure He'll speak to me--if not because of, then perhaps despite, the event I am at. And I want to see for myself what this movement is about.

I'll let you know what I discover.

I know it's been a month, but I PROMISE a real post is coming.

For now, though:

INTERVIEW BY RACHEL SCIENSKI

1. What is the most beneficial part of living with roommates?

Oh my goodness, it's certainly interesting sometimes, especially when personality types come into play. But it's just FUN for me. It's really great to have people to talk life over with instead of coming home and watching crappy TV like I used to do. It also helps me to not be as self-focused, and I'm way more likely to cook when there are friends around! The BIGGEST advantage is that living with others allows for incredibly awesome things to happen spontaneously. One minute you're home by yourself, and the next there are five people around jamming out, cracking jokes, having movie marathons, or making meals. We've had amazing Saturday brunches and "snow day" parties spontaneously.

2. What place has religion had in your personal/spiritual development?

Woah! What a question. It's difficult to imagine my life outside of "religion." I'm assuming that when you say religion, you mean a true religion rather than a legalistic piety. The Church has formed me in many ways--some of which were maybe not healthy or entirely accurate when I was growing up, but looking back I can fondly appreciate the good without being bitter about the bad. The "religion" of my youth at least gave me a foundation and a basic life worldview, and who knows where I'd be if not for that? As for personal development, Jesus has been my only hope and the only reason I can face the future. And He's given me some amazing friends to journey with.

3. Did you really like that bite of the cactus salad I ordered when you were visiting Chicago, or were you just putting on a good game face?

It was OK. It tasted like eating a garden plant. :)

4. Where is the most beautiful place you've visited?

Switzerland. Lakes, mountains, snow, castles! Other scenes that stick out in my mind are the Colorado night sky, the greenery of Washington State, the beautiful flatness of Kansas and Indiana and the beauty of cornfields gleaming in the sun, and sunrises and sunsets on the beach in Florida. Cincinnati is really beautiful too.

5. Who are the people in your life that inspire you the most?

My Grandma Southman inspires me because she is so hardworking. My parents inspire me with their steadfastness and gentleness. Sharon inspires me with her joyful demeanor and absolute hospitality toward strangers, and her diligence in seeking the Lord. My friends Liz and John inspire me with their brilliance and passion. And Bethany inspires me because she courageously just goes for things, just tries them out and does her best at them. If only I could be so fearless!


1 -- Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

Weekend highlights:

+ Went to Midpoint twice. Saw Sharon play a million shows. Swooned to Peter Adams. Danced to the Seedy Seeds. Hung out at Kaldi's.
+ Moved John (partially) into his new crazy warehouse apartment in Over-the-Rhine. It's across the street from Tucker's. I'm excited.
+ Went to dinner with my parents.
+ Saw the Cincinnati Symphony at Music Hall perform the score from Lord of the Rings, with Bethany, Brennan, and my parents.
+ Church + hangin' out on the piazza on a beautiful day.
+ Bought an amazing black dress for Meg's rehearsal dinner, as well as a couple cute pairs of shoes.
+ Wore said dress to Leo Coffeehouse at Sharon's request.
+ Saw Eric and Sharon play Leo, and then Jim's Red Pants. Where else but Leo can I get my Sunday night fiddle fix?
+ Capped the night off with Arthur's Burger Madness on the back patio.

Last night I watched the Bengals lose terribly on national television. We won't talk about that.

Now I'm getting ready for my trip to South Carolina, where we'll marry off one of my best high school friends, Megan. My parents are coming with me and the whole Raitt family will be there too. I'm pretty excited.

Happy birthday to my best friend.

Today was the worst ending to the worst week I've had in a long, long time.

It's not over yet, though, and I've yet to attend a show in a park on a very pretty day. Maybe that will Be Good.

A few years ago while attending a show with Miss Jessica Gockley in Chicago I stumbled upon a band called The Frames. I checked out a CD from the library and liked a couple of songs, and didn't think much of it afterward.

Life has come full circle for me upon seeing a movie this week called _Once_, which features some really beautiful music. When I investigated who the actor singing these amazing songs was, I found out it was the frontman of The Frames.

Go see _Once_. It's simply beautiful.

FYI, this is where I'll be the next few Fridays.

"Edensong, a 40-plus-year summertime tradition, swings into action this weekend and continues the next three Fridays.

Founded by the Queen City Balladeers at the height of the '60s folk music movement, Edensong is a series of free Friday night concerts, each one spotlighting five of the best and brightest of the local folk scene. The family-friendly concerts are especially popular with picnickers loaded down with a blankets, baskets and buckets of chicken.

This weekend you get the Sloes, Jamon Zeiler, Jim's Red Pants, Lenny Hall and Wild Carrot and the Roots Band.

Coming up:

July 13: Liz Bowater, Greg Jowaisas, the Sheds, Joe Jencks and Swamp Fox.

July 20: Sharon Udoh & Jen Wheatley, David Wolfenberger, Ma Crow and the Mother Pluckers, Greg Schaber and Cincinnati Dancing Pigs.

July 27: Neil Jacobs, Jake Speed & the Freddies, Rob Fetters, Raison d'Etre and Changeling.

Edensong, 8 p.m. today, Seasongood Pavilion, Eden Park, free. 513-321-8375."

--Cincinnati Enquirer


Come on out!

Fourth of July is dumb this year. I have vacation jealousy.

(Yes, I know I went to Europe earlier this year and have no right to complain.)

A near-perfect weekend:

+ Friday night with Bethany and VC folks--cornhole and grilling out in front of the church
+ Saturday of Coffee Emporium waffles with Sharon and Bri, Locks of Love haircut at the Chop Shop, lots of shopping at cute stores, Melt takeout dinner with Sharon and Liz, concert at Imago to wind down the evening
+ Sunday of church, another grillout, Speckled Bird crepes and coffee, napping, reading, errand running, sunset watching, Monsoon Wedding, candlelit conversation and dinner on the porch with Sharon
+ I'm in love with Zappos, and my new Reef sandals are the best things ever
+ I bought a T-shirt that says "I believe in Cincinnati."
+ The wind on my neck

Before:


After:

How many honest-to-God friends close friends have I lost who I thought would continue to be like brothers and sisters for years and years?

I am just a memory, and He was just a phase.

Sunday evenings are so hopeful.